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GREAT ADVICE [from
dogs!]
If a dog was the
teacher you would learn stuff like:
When loved ones
come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the
opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the
experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your
best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know
when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps.
Stretch before
rising.
Run, romp, and play
daily.
Thrive on attention
and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a
simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop
to lie on your back in the grass.
On hot days, drink
lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy,
dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often
you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout - run right back
and make friends.
Delight in the
simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and
enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is
having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
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Pecans in the
Cemetery
On the outskirts of
a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys
filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began
dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for
me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another
boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he
heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure
enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was, so he jumped back on his bike and rode off. Now just
around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here
quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan
and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man
said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the
boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the
fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for
me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the
truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they
peered through the fence yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the
boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they
tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard,
"One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by
the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old
man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike!
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MENTAL
HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The
State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following
options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive,
press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent,
please ask someone to press 2 for
you.
If you have multiple personalities,
press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid,
we know who you are and what you
want,
stay on the line so we can trace
your call.
If you are delusional,
press 7 and your call will be
forwarded
to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic,
listen carefully and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive,
it doesn't matter which number you
press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic,
press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar,
please leave a message after the
beep
or before the beep or after the
beep.
Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss,
press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss,
press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss,
press 9.
If you have low self-esteem,
please hang up our operators
are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal,
put the gun down, hang up, turn on
the fan,
lie down and cry. You won't be crazy
forever.
If you are blond,
don't press any buttons, you'll just
mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental
Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering
to contact
at least one unstable person to show
you care.
(Well, my job is done . . . . . Your
turn)
Why
do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are getting dead?
Why
do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there
is not enough money?
Why
does someone believe
you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you
say the paint is wet?
Why do they
use sterilized needles for death by lethal
injection?
Why
doesn't Tarzan have a
beard?
Why does
Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a
revolver at him?
Why do
Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea
was it to put an "S" in the word
"lisp"?
If people
evolved from apes, why are
there still apes?
Why is it
that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles
are always white?
Is there
ever a day that mattresses are not on
sale?
Why do
people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have
materialized?
Why do
people keep running over a string a dozen times with
their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it,
then put it down to give the vacuum one more
chance?
Why is it
that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first
try?
How do those
dead bugs get into those enclosed light
fixtures?
When we are
in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart
then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well,
it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That really hurt, why
don't you watch where you're
going?"
Why is it
that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the
table you always manage to knock something else
over?
In winter
why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we
complained about the heat?
And my
FAVORITE . . . The
statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons
is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your
three best friends -- if they're okay, then it 's
you .
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