Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

 

A contestant on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win £1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the £32,000 milestone money.
>
> As she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover: Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
>
> Is it:
> A) the condor;
> B) the buzzard;
> C) the cuckoo; or
> D) the vulture?
>
> The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative.
>
> She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
>
> The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
>
> The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And
> considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. "I need an answer," said Regis.

> "C: The cuckoo."
>
> "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
>
> "Yes, that is my final answer."
>
> Two seconds later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that the answer is ... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
>
> A few days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blond who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire.
> And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the right answer?"
>
> "Oh, come on!" said the blond. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

 

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The Burglar and Jesus.
>
>
> A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack,
a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
>
> He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
>
> Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
>
> Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
>
> “Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
>
> "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
>
> The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
>
> "Moses," replied the bird.
>
> "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?"
>
> "The kind of people that would name the Rottweiler Jesus."

 A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.  

 

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
 
 Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'
 
 God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'
 
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

 

She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

 

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'

 

(You'll love this)
 

 

  God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.'