THE EMPTY NEST and other SYNDROMES

By Stella Rodgers 

There are many such syndromes I find …

Syndrome 1: ‘The Empty Nest’ This is where the children go away from home and parents mourn the passing of an era.

Was I odd to be knitting the bunting to put up around the house well in advance? But I must admit I was truly sad when they both told me they would not go back to the north to live, although I joke about putting up the bunting! But one doesn’t have children expecting them to always stay in the nest surely?

Syndrome 2: ‘Horror! - The might come back!’

My two teenagers had all the ghastlies of puberty, and got over it as they [and we parents] eventually do, so what’s this about the terrors of them coming back? Do they suddenly become someone else? I don’t get it. Are all these parents living in hope to be released from some kind of bondage? What’s the attitude here? Is it fashionable to not like ones own children?

Yes ones life is changed as each watershed arrives, from independence at the first steps into primary school, to university level and beyond, but one does not live through the lives of others, surely we love them and let them go. I would have thought that once the novelty of having the house to oneself has passed off, it would be super to re-cap their growing years, after all aren’t we all still in our growing years? Or is it that they think the children can stop us living as we would wish?

It must be a balance between the two syndromes, mustn’t it?

Years ago my aunt said to me, as we stood on the steps of her house waving her off her grown up son, “If you stay friends with your children when you have them Stella, they will come back and visit you.” Wise words indeed, because what prompted me to comment was seeing her sister doing the ‘sack-cloth and ashes’ thing as her son departed to live a long distance away, very tiresome.

I saw from a friend’s experience, when mine were very young, that if the child never leaves home at all to go to a job or university, one could be expected to carry on giving and giving, [washing, ironing, even money etc] without any return, but that’s a problem of disrespect, that’s better addressed in the early stages, I think, and this observation stayed with me, thank goodness.

Another experience of some cousins, I observed as a teenager, was their grandma living in the same building and never having much contact with the other half of the house; even at my then tender years I could see this was odd. What could have happened to make the grandma not want to even baby-sit? I can understand about the ironing bit though, surely there can be an understanding between all parties?  

I recently read an article in the paper about the return of the chicks after university due to no jobs, housing shortages, etc…The writer was thrilled to have them back as adults and went on to talk about how he eventually waved them all off again. I must say I admired him so much, the money thing was not mentioned too much though. This can be a burden if it’s allowed to be. When friends tell me of other parents who don’t expect a sensible balance of housekeeping to be arrived at, I am in despair! So many folks think it’s a crime to ask for contributions, what ever happened to personal responsibility?  

I did have a friend years ago that was very desperate for money, and when I asked if her son could perhaps help, she explained that the poor thing had only managed to save up half of his income tax bill this year, and would have to borrow the other half from the bank. This was a dentist that earned far over the average! Shame on him - but more to the point she couldn’t see the problem here.  

Syndrome 3: ‘Parents returning into children’

The children do not put the parents into retirement homes, but bring them into their own ‘nest’, perhaps through circumstances outside their control.  And now to the strangest syndrome of all ….  

Syndrome 4: ‘Reversed Empty Nest Syndrome’

Perhaps we have a totally new, unheard of syndrome here.

Description: Where the whole family amalgamates resources, and go back into one house, at the next stage of life.

One reads about how in other countries, and perhaps in other ages, where a whole family lives in one house and many generations are enjoying [or not] the benefits of such an arrangement, and one assumes it perhaps might be because of financial restraints, or other traditional circumstances.  

Now to the personal part of this essay: One of my children-in-law, on finding out that a need was going to arise to be of help to the parents, put up this very suggestion. Why not join forces, bearing in mind also that that later the assistance would be welcome for any grandchildren should they arrive in due course, this meant there was to be a possible balance of need.  

Is this balance important? I think at first maybe it is, the balance of giving and receiving has a lot to do with a feeling that one is not ‘put upon’ in any way, which is not the same as the ability to give and receive, which is perhaps a personality trait and a separate issue.  

But I was never the less, somewhat taken aback at the reaction, on my telling some people, about this domestic detail. “Well you must get on alright!”  

 Eh? What’s that supposed to mean? That nobody can be that keen on ones relatives?  The old adage of “You can choose your friends but not your relatives” must be taken light heartedly - it’s surely not a damnation? It’s as if folks are thinking, “Who would imagine that this it is actually voluntary?”  

Yes, there are many reasons to join forces, but surely the whole point is this, we are all willing to support each other in any circumstances that might arise. Illness, holidays, night classes, time off for hobbies, baby things etc - and the one other reason that’s so often forgotten – to enjoy each other’s company!

So, after two years of co-habiting how’s it going I hear you ask? Any regrets?

Very well thank you, and better than hoped for actually. The grand child arrived at the end of the second year, and not mowing the lawn is a bonus I hadn’t even thought of! We have all taken it in turns to be ill, and nobody has had to have more time off work than necessary through this.

The advantage of a student way of life from the Kids point of view was that they got used to sharing, and the advantage from the parents’ point of view is that one gets used to sharing! What can go wrong?

Plenty, if the basics tenets of respect are forgotten. This is the key I find. Respect of privacy is highest on the list. Another important point is the space to feel free to live ones own life, but when one realises that in Japan paper walls are the norm, it is all in the mind?   

Well yes, there have been times when the temptation to speak against all instincts has been nearly overwhelming! ‘Silence is golden’ all too often, but there’s a time and a place for speaking up too, balance is the key, and adjustments have been lovingly made. True, sometimes it has been a case of apologies given, and accepted.  

There is no space for the relationship between the parent and child to expand if they are so far apart as to hardly talk to each other, and this is nothing to do with physical vicinity either! You don’t need me to tell you that you can all be in the same house, and the emotional gap between people might be very big indeed, many comedy shows are based on this sort of conflict, or conversely a family can be on opposite sides of the world, and have no gap at all, all praise to the internet, not much material for a TV show there!  

Diplomacy and tact are adult achievements and have to be worked on, and walking away sometimes means swallowing words, so not having a big ego is a great benefit there.  

At Christmas a house full of all in-laws and siblings, plus friends, meant that catering was shared and the load bearing weight of all the company felt a lot diminished as result. No, the house isn’t all that enormous, there had to be a sleeper/s in every room, but two families of three generations under one roof makes for a lot of laughter, and a bit of refereeing too!  

That song comes to mind here, the one where the Mum gets a bill from the child for all the chores done that week. She replies by making her own bill, and by each item like ‘carrying you for six months within me’ and ‘nursing you when you were ill’ she puts ‘no charge’.  

There can be 'no charge' for all the love given between generations – but also there can be no bill sent for any of the sacrifices made on each side either.  

What do I think now, after this even more involved life we live, here in Norfolk?  

Well, I wouldn't change any of it, even if the worst catastrophe happened, simply because it’s the happiest time of our lives, and being able to let go of some of the responsibilities as we get older, and yes the acceptance of new ones even as we get older! It’s all in life’s rich tapestry.  

Long may the good Lord weave us into it …

Amen.