Question "How do we humans develop a healthy ‘ego''? Is it given, achieved, earned or an automatic response?"

Firstly, the term "ego" is simply the Greek term for "I" or "me" or "myself."  In this, it is a neutral term.  If you open up a Greek New Testament, Jesus used it all the time.  "Ego eimi ho poimen ho kalos."  "I am the good shepherd."  In itself, there's nothing negative or bad or untoward in the term "ego." 

Ego is acquired, babies don't have the mind or consciousness to know that they are separate from another person, so the differentiating process that begins with birth actually takes several years.  When the child ventures out into the big wide world his / her ego is under-developed, or you could say weak. The outer 'shell' part of a babies aura is unformed to allow osmosis, to receive the energies of the parent, it has a mophus quality for adaptation. This is an essential part of learning for our inhabiting spirit, the exchange and growth of character and ego in this human form.

Strength of ego is the ability to consciously face life without either falling apart, giving up, or reacting to stress with the primeval fight or flight.  Our ego is our ability to think, understand, reason, and therefore to choose ways of coping and eventually master the challenges of life, we develop the inner strength so that we have resilience - the power to bounce back after we have been knocked down.

 Positives: A healthy ego is:

a)      Self-esteem, and this is healthiest when it is unconditional.  It is the sense, "I am valuable, significant, and have worth because I am a human being."  Being loved and valued unconditionally by parents is the ideal; then later in life as an adult, you can make that same appraisal of yourself and everyone else. 

b)     Self-confidence - your sense that you have "power" or "control" to be able to do something that you can take pride in and that you can trust yourself to accomplish.  Self-confidence is healthiest when it is conditional - you earn it by becoming competent in whatever area that you have developed skills to know and do.

c)      Self-identity, your self-definition, how you define yourself in your roles and relationships.  Here, if you accept your fallibilities and embrace your strengths, and keep defining and updating your definition as you keep growing, you'll have a healthy sense of self.

Negatives: An unhealthy ego is:

a)      Ill-formed, under-developed, or distorted by mis-understandings and mis-beliefs, it is an ego that is loud, boisterous, and constantly getting in the way.

b)      Without a solid sense of unconditional value, your ego keeps getting in the way because you keep having to "prove" yourself, measuring up to other (false) values which are shifting.

c)      You constantly feel insecure and needing support and attention.  If your value, worth, and dignity is evaluated as "low" or "high" then it goes up and/or down according to whatever criteria you're using to judge it: looks, strength, money, degrees, who you know, status, car, house, brand clothes, etc.

d)      In other words, whatever you do your ego is always likely to get in the way-because you are using your clothes, status, degrees, money, position, etc. to prove yourself of any value at all. 

e)      This undermines any leadership, ability to connect with people, and everything.  If you're a public speaker, you make the speech about you, about your image, intelligence, charm, not about your audience.  If you are a coach, you make the experience about your success with the client.  If you are a CEO, entrepreneur, businessperson, you make things about your success, or money not the value that you add.  In all of these instances, the ego is in the way.

f)        Or visa-versa the ego can be diminished, shrunk, fading ~ may be with or without un/conscious action; or having abdicated from the ‘system' the diminished ego which is constantly comparing self to the illusion of what ‘others' think; delusions distortions omissions, (and 'mind reading' other people) often in a downward spiral of destructive behaviour.

How not to progress: Over-identifying. 

Ego 'investment' is the way the ego gets in the way.  It all begins normally as we expand our sense of self by brining things inside our ego-boundaries.  We do this when we define some idea, belief, or way of doing something, possession, status, or whatever as "ours" and invest ourselves in it by identifying with it ("my house," "my wife," "my lover," "my child," "my project," "my job," etc.).  This is normal but dangerous.  It is dangerous because it is a small step to over-identifying.  Then you get your ego in the way and it interferes with your growth.

Positive progression:

a)      To get the ego out of the way requires developing a healthy sense of self.  You are unconditionally valuable just because you're a human being, and simultaneously wonderfully fallible and mortal too! 

b)      By asserting that your dignity and lovability is a given, you don't have to prove anything, but you get to express everything.  You have incredible potentials within to unleash.

c)      You are a limited human being.  You have a fallible brain, heart, and body.  It is not eternal, it is made of flesh-and-blood.  You are from dust to dust.  And you are also made of the stardust of the universe.

d)      Helpful training in the crucial development stages of early childhood to ‘share' possessions, and during the separation period of adolescence, can negate this over possessiveness, false values may be avoided of "by rights everything I want is mine."

e)      Fully accepting, appreciating, and standing in awe of yourself as a human being gets the ego out of the way. 

f)       When you focus on what you can do and contribute. 

g)      When you embrace life as it is and the cards dealt you. 

h)      And when you acknowledge your being self with awe or esteem, you settle the question of your value. "Love thyself" as the Master tell us.

In conclusion: It takes a lot of self-esteem to be humble and modest.  This frees you from having to prove yourself or to become a ‘somebody'.  You begin with the declaration that you are somebody, and now you get to find and express your somebody-ness.

Spirit/soul is the 'driver' not the vehicle, we do not take our possessions with us when we go back, that's why there are no pockets in shrouds!

Experience the full unleashing of an ego set free from needing to be right! 

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Adapted from: "Ego Strength"; by L. Michael Hall 2009 Meta Reflections #17 April 20, 2009.